It is a pleasant morning. In a little more than three hours, I will be off to Colaba to participate in Tata Crucible – my third attempt. Talk about really lofty ambitions – back in my rookie year – I’d made a mental note that my third crack at Crucible would be my most realistic chance of making it “on stage”. Needless to say, the chances of that happening are as remote as an IRock(sp?) concert without its share of desperate want-to-bes (which is often referred as wannabes or wannababes or wannaboobs or whichever way you intend to look at it). Sophomore year was even more agonizing – as I managed to reach nowhere yet again. That solidified my resolve to do well in the third attempt. The plan was to start working – bit by bit – day by day – so that by the time today dawned I’d be just revisiting notes, bullet points et al which would have had random bits of junk about the Sandoz Foundation and Sumantra Ghoshal.You are free to scoff at me right now, but yes, when I want to do something badly, I am very meticulous about it.

It was about this time last year that a very impulsive post fluttered a few feathers – People. The whole idea was to evolve out of this rut. In a way, I could have done it silently discreetly without putting up the post. But then, I have my own subtle ways of seeking attention. That I am forced to write this post again – not more than a year later – after just about 13 posts indicates that I might have failed at some basic level. One alternative is to stop “doing” people altogether, which I had aimed at twelve months ago. But when you take this route, it’s very difficult to walk the talk – as I figured out. So, I propose a white paper which would be essentially titled – “Do the ‘Right’ People”.

There will be a lot of heated debate over who could be classified as ‘right’ and what the other category could be called. I’m inviting suggestions for naming the other category. And if no one else, I’m sure Anna or Tanush would come up with something hard hitting like “The flea that almost always kissed a different chimp’s ass.” (without intending to of course). The ‘right’ category could be named – “The balls that refused to spin”

Now, since this is a world of free thought (free as in liberty, not the free in free beer), I will use my subjective snobbery to separate the right from the rest. And you can use your subjective snobbery to repudiate my choices. Then we can have, “subjective snobbery duels” and if they are any interesting we can have a “subjective snobbery club” in college. As there is no greater joy than being able to masquerade subjectivity at the expense of rationality, it should be great fun.

So, here starts the fun part. I lay down a few pointers which *could* help identify the right from the rest. And I seriously do hope that you don’t see the (b)right side of things. For if you do, you’ll surely lose out on a hundred other friends who would otherwise have been the pillars of strength at times when you need reassurance or when you need money or when you need hedonism or when you need to feel good about yourself or when you need a rosier interpretation of lyrics. I have tried to be as shameless as possible while making assumptions and accusations. “Subjective Authority” you see. But since I will look back at this post from time to time, I did not want to be harsh on myself. If you tick most of the points, I’ll be tired of you in no more than 72 hours. So, let’s not waste each other’s time. You can go back to perfecting your justification skills, I might as well go back to reading Asterix which I’m yet to complete. I need to -

1. Be wary about people conversing in English

Samazhta nahi hai. I love the language because I can play around with the words. Improve on spellings, usage of words & phrases, learn grammer grammar and understand the world around me. The fact that I know the language does not place me on a higher plane. That the Beatles sing in my language doesn’t prove anything. A lot of people earn their reputation standing on the shoulders of giants. A very few stand who on the shoulders of the beloved language to realise that they are inconsequential as compared to the behemoth who is nourishing them. The most are admiring themselves – standing tall, above a lot of people, above everyone else, above all those who refuse to stand on the shoulders of this giant – quite oblivious to the fact that they are nothing but parasites feeding off this adorable giant.

2. Be wary about people thinking in English

This bunch doesn’t understand contextual differences. I am sorry. People around the world react differently to differnt situations. Growing up in New York or Madrid or Paris is much more poetic than growing up in Nagpur or Mumbai or Pune. That foreign literature, entertainment and art is primarily aimed for their own consumption. We can’t replicate the California model in Mumbai (at least not in the Goregaon to Andheri corridor where I spend most of my time ). The refusal to think in the Indian context, the reluctance to adapt models in this context, to ape what is thrown at us my the foriegn media is highly disappointing.

3.  Pay homage to people carrying a guitar. And then stay away from them.

Dear guitarist folks, you bunch are Demi-Gods. Why do you never want to elevate yourself to God status? The biggest complaint I have is that you bunch are escapists. You take to the guitar when you are bogged down with other trivial problems. That you never bother to work your way around those problems. That you never appreciate struggle. That you want miracles to happen without ever working towards the end result. That you play for the crowd.

Just show a bit more dedication to the cause no ? God status is not too far. Just speak to your friends who are fine exponents of Lezim, Malakhamb or the Sarod for that matter. Ask them what they practice for. Ask them how many people tear their shirts when the see them perform. Ask them if they can get away with substandard performances and still be venerated for it.  Ask them if its worth improving yourself for the love of the chord, if you get the drift. To cap it on a very bromidic note -  just do it for the chord, not for the accord or the record.

4. Check Facebook DP before opening a conversation

You Facebook DP tells a lot about you as a person. Ironically, it tells a whole lot more about your really close friends as well. Say if I wanted to marry you now, I’d of course show your Facebook DP to my mom first. And what if she goes like – which one of the three do you want to marry !?!?! This guy in the middle ?? That would be a foot in the mouth moment no?

It is nice to have lovely freinds.  But if they can’t live without being addressed in public domain each day of the year, without being separated from you at least at the basic display pic level, then it is too much baggage to carry innit? I am not even touching upon highly fashionista terms like “identity crisis”. We will brush that under the carpet.

5.  Look out for unsolicited unidirectional personal barbs

You’ve lost me and my attention if you are sitting next to me and utter things like -

• Look at his shoes. Who the hell wears them these days
• Just by the looks of him, he looks gay
• She’s actually wearing a skirt. Do you realise how funny that it is
• That is a cheap pair of jeans
• The person has no dressing sense
• How much do you think he spent at the bar last night
• Hey! There is a giraffe head coming out of her backside

How do you care as long as the the giraffe head is not tickling your ribs? Yeah, I do understand that it might end up giving you an eyesore. And that would be the end of the world as we know it. But a few complimentary words here and there don’t hurt.

6. Not lose my calm in front of prima donnas

Given a choice I would like to lock all the prima donnas that I find in a room and not allow them to come out till they have proved Fermat’s Last Theorem. That would muffle the fragrance of pretence in the air a bit. I need to keep my head when in a flock where people want to have it their own way. Else, I’ll end up saying something very nasty and all fun would be destroyed no ?

7. Not bother. Unclutter. Uncomplicate.

You do shit. You get out of it. Take care. Thank you.

(Might just add a few more if I find something convincing, which I’m sure I will in a few more days)

Don’t get me wrong. None of the above mentioned points are vile, embarrassing or “bad” to simply put it.  In fact if you aspire to be a beauty paegent winner or a performer or an entertainer or a sportsperson or a media guy or a management consultant, you’ll need these attributes aplenty. Just that they don’t work for me. If I don’t remind myself of these things, I’ll end up chasing chimeras for the most part of the next few years. And chasing a chimera never got anyone anywhere, did it ?

So, the next time I don’t pursue you with full gusto or act like a complete “jackass” -  which is a very hep word these days, and not give in to your false sense of subjectivity, it is not because you are “wrong” or I am “wrong” or because “my subjectivity is much better than your subjectivity”. It’s just that I’m tired of chasing chimeras. I’m tired of running around in the search of an oasis bang in the middle of the unrelenting desert. I’ll just keep faith in serendipity and keep trudging along. And to the few good men whom I know, give me a huge kick up my backside, if I fail to walk the talk this time around.

I had started this post on the 28th of March and funny things happened at Crucible – totally unexpected and undeserved I may add. And the analogy I provided entails nicer things to happen to IRock in the years to come as well.